Dark Humor, Satire
Published: February 2017
The Outlandish and the Ego is the first in a new genre of literature: political erotica. This wild and comical satire follows two parallel stories that ultimately converge and blend into a new American reality.
One side of The Outlandish and the Ego plays out with the Aide, who relentlessly seeks to maintain his power as he maneuvers his president for reelection. The Aide's ruthless appetite for victory comes to life in the form of wife swapping, partnering with a corporation hungry for war, endless slandering, and so much more. But in order to win, the Aide must survive an evil secret society-the Brethren.
The other half of The Outlandish and the Ego finds Samuel and Roger: two wild derelicts who are running from demon gnomes that nobody else can see or understand. In order to satisfy the gnomes' demands, Samuel and Roger must solve the riddle of "the signal." The two twisting plotlines crash into each other as the fate of the Aide, Samuel, Roger, and the Brethren come to an unexpected and hilarious close.
The following is the opening to the second chapter of The Outlandish and the Ego. The chapter is entitled, “The Ego.”
The doors to the Oval Office blew open, and supreme authority guided the Aide’s rush toward the President’s desk. He held a shotgun with both of his hands. The oversized battle helmet rattled around the crown of his head as he stomped toward his destination. He knew everything he needed to say and how he wanted to say it. He was ready.
“We have a situation,” he said as he pulled around the President’s desk. As the President looked up at him with befuddlement, the Aide leaned in and put all his weight into a great shove and sent the desk over on its side.
“Take cover, they’re here, and they’re coming for you.”
“Who’s coming? What the hell is going on?”
“I should have informed you sooner, but I underestimated the severity of the information given to me.” The Aide readjusted his glasses as he peeked back over the ridge of the fallen desk, probing for oncoming enemies. “The Confederates are here.”
“The Confederates?” The President’s mouth gaped open. “What is going on?” he whined.
“I didn’t want to alarm you, but there has been an uprising, and the Confederacy, I’m afraid, is back and looking for you.”
“I’m as white as they come!” the President whined.
“What do they want with me?”
“Most likely a swift assassination.” The Aide peeked over the desk once more, this time aiming the barrel of the gun at the opening of the room. “But fear not, sir. I am here to protect the Union.”
“Where is the Secret Service?”
“Dead. They’re all dead.” The Aide looked the President dead in the eye. “Even the first lady. She was slain out on the front lawn.”
“This can’t be.” The President melted down to the carpet, grabbing his hair with his trembling hands.
“They’re gonna kill me!”
“Not if I have anything to say about it.” The Aide pumped the shotgun ready. “Unfortunately, I only have one shot left.”
“Yes. Don’t worry, though, I’ll make it a good one.”
The Aide perked up as if to focus in on his surroundings.
“Did you hear that?”
The Aide popped up and fired his last shot in the direction of the opened doors. After feeling satisfied, he sat back down behind the safety of the desk.
“What was it?”
“Nothing, sir. Just a false alarm.”
The President lay there with his back firmly pressed up against the desk, quaking in a peculiar combination of shock, fear, and rage. “No, no, no,” he mumbled while shaking his head. Frozen, he stared into the palm of his hands, searching for a steadiness in his current reality.
Then from the belly of the hall that led into the Oval Office, the penetrating screams came pouring through, directed at the President.
“What’s that?” he cried.
“It’s one of them,” the Aide said in a low tremble. “He’s wearing a ski mask, and he’s armed.” The Aide looked down at the ground. “It was a pleasure knowing you, Mr. President.”
“Oh Jesus!” The President began to bite his lower lip as he clenched his fist tight, turning the knuckles of his hand white. The savage grunts and screams of the masked Confederate assassin grew louder, and the President knew it would be only a matter of time. The masked man was now in the Oval Office. He stood in the doorway, and though the President and the Aide bunkered down back behind their makeshift barrier, the masked man knew where his target was hiding. He laughed maniacally as he mockingly danced toward the desk.
“Please, there is no need to kill me,” the President begged. “I’m from Louisiana—trust me, if it was up to me, the Confederacy would have never gone away!”
“It’s too late for negotiations.” The masked man moved toward the President, standing over the hunched man before him. He prodded the barrel of the gun up to the
President’s mouth. “Open wide.”
“Oh Jesus,” the President muttered. He opened his mouth, and the barrel of the gun slid inside. He felt the cold steel bang against the tips of his front teeth, and he knew it was the end. He closed his eyes and waited for his world to fade into the grim abyss.
“Just as we planned!” the Aide yelled. He gave the masked man a high five as both men bent over with laughter. The President opened his eyes to understand the commotion. “Did you see the look of fear?” Both men began to cackle uncontrollably. The Confederate assassin took the mask off, revealing his identity.
“You?” The President frowned.
“You idiot,” the Press Secretary said. “You were all too eager to swallow that barrel!” Both men began to laugh once more.
The President stood up slowly, adjusting his tie and trying not to look as embarrassed as he felt. “So nobody is dead, right?”
“Of course not,” the Aide explained. “The Secret Service and First Lady were in on it too.” The Aide waited for the humor to subside. He sensed that the Press Secretary had caught his breath, so he decided to move on with the business of the day. “All right, all right. Now that we’ve all had our fun, it’s time to get to the serious matters of the day.”
About the Author
O. Ryan Hussain is the new voice of comedic fiction and satire. The characters featured in his debut novel, The Outlandish and the Ego, are vibrant creations from a true genius. There is currently nobody better at blending truth, comedy and dirty fun.